A Hard Day's Dismemberment
Scene Ten: The Finale
Voice off Screen: Nothing is truly surprising. Just misleading.
(everyone turns to their left and they see...a chicken, the one from
Carlo's dream, approach)
Jeff: That's not your father, Carlo!
Uncle Gus: Yes, my brother in law was much taller than that.
Chicken: see what I mean! I am not your father Carlo, he is still alive
and that is not his ring. The truth shall be revealed...
Dr.F: Who are you?
Chicken: As shall I be soon...(he raises his wing/arm to pull off what
was thought to be those little red mowhawky things Chickens have on their
heads, but turns out to be a rubber glove, concealing the identity of the
EVERYONE: OH MY GOD IT'S...
EVERYONE: (camera zooms in on chicken, or...) SAMUEL L. JACKSON, THE
GREATEST ACTOR TO EVER EXIST AND WHO WILL ONE DAY RID THE WORLD OF ALL
THAT IS EVIL.
Samuel L. Jackson (give praise): (nodding assuredly, because it's true) Go on.
EVERYONE (including audience): THE PROPHETS HAVE SEEN ONLY A GLIMPSE OF
THE BRIGHT LIGHT SAMUEL L. JACKSON WILL PROVIDE TO BRING US OUT OF OUR
DARKNESS AND THUS MAKE OUR PATHETIC LIVES MORE MEANINGFUL.
SLJ (give praise): So true. Please continue.
EVERYONE: SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS MIGHTY! SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS KEEN!
SLJ (give praise): Don't forget "completely spectacular and performs with
the most amazing skill in everything that he does."
EVERYONE: SAMUEL L. JACKSON IS COMPLETELY SPECTACULAR AND PERFORMS WITH
THE MOST AMAZING SKILL IN EVERYTHING THAT HE DOES. (cast begins bowing
SLJ (give praise): Please, don't worship me now, wait until the film is
over. (everybody gets back up-) I didn't say you could rise. (everyone
apologises). Now, too much chaos has resulted from the absence of
truth. But that's why I'm here, to clear it up. (turns to:) Ron, Matt,
you don't need to kill the Walkettes. They didn't mean to kill Ray.
Ron: Oh, really?
Matt: I'm sorry. We didn't mean to cause you guys so much pain. It was
all a misunderstanding.
Ron: Much similar to most "Three's Company" episodes.
Matt: Except they don't result in kidnappings and murder. Well, most of
the time. I think there was this one episode where Jack was about to
kill Chrissy and Mrs. Roper interupted, and married Jack because Mr.
Roper ran off with Mr. Farley and-
Ron: What the hell? That didn't happen!
Matt: No, not in the actual series, but in my MIND you idiot.
Ron: Oh yeah.
SLJ: See, you don't even need to keep the ring that Carlo took from the
mistakenly dismembered Ray.
Uncle Gus: But the ring is the key to unleashing the power of the H J S
society! Isn't it?
SLJ: Yes, but you need a gate to use the key in, don't you?
SLJ: The ring can only unleash the power of Homer J. Simpson if you know
where the power of Homer is.
Ken: Wait, Homer J. Simpson? What the HELL are you talking about?
Ron: The Homer J. Simpson World Domination Society. What did you think
we were talking about?
Matt: Who ELSE do you think we'd unquestionably and foolishly follow into
battle? Ed Asner?
Ron: I hear his society doesn't even have secret rings and messages and
cool shit like that.
Matt: They have message cannons though. Those are cool...
SLJ: The power is truth. It always has been. And when you boys realize
the truth lying in the gate that Ray had left behind and is also in the
clutches of the Walkettes you will possess the power...to rule the world.
Matt: So...what you're trying to say...is...
SLJ: (rolls his eyes) the ring is the key, but what is the gate my
Matt: We're friends? Really? Cool! We can hang out and stuff and...
Matt: (cowers) yessir.
Ken: Look, the only thing we have of theirs is the ring which is now
stuck on Carlo's finger and these directions to the cesspool (pulls out
paper from scene 6). It's got some unintellegible crap written on the
Ron: Ray's message!
Matt: Aha! We can use the ring to find out what the message means!
Uncle Gus: Wait...
Jeff: You mean...
Ken: it's a decoder ring?
Rose: This is NOT happening.
Ron: Well DUH.
Matt: Carlo, lemme see the ring. (Carlo extends his arm, he looks very
confused...) uh huh, set it to B-2, okay...Ron? The first letter stands
for D, the second for O, then N, then T, then...
(ron is writing this down everyong is listening to Matt with the
exception of Carlo and Samuel L. Jackson)
Carlo: So, what exactly is going on?
SLJ: The truth is being revealed.
Carlo: I don't understand. Why did it take so long to reveal the truth?
And how come these two are the only ones who need it? I know I'm
supposed to be the silly dumb one so maybe I should not know what the
truth is, but I am going to step out of character and ask why the truth
is only relative for some people?
SLJ: Well, that's the way it works. What you may seek may be something
ignored by others. Maybe you need to know, maybe you don't.
Carlo: Well what is the truth here anyway? What light is being shined
upon me? Nothing. They're not learning anything, they're just being fed
more stuff to keep them going. It's not the truth. You can't change the
truth, and I'm willing to bet that whatever nonsense is revealed they're
going to think, 'hey, this must be it. It has to, it brought me out this
far and I'll be damned if it doesn't keep me going.' That's the truth
right there, that there isn't an actual truth to be found.
SLJ: Well it's true for them, isn't it? It's not your focal point.
It's something they need to know, to keep on going. It's exactly what
Carlo: Look, I'm on stage every night. It's what I do. There are no
questions asked because there's no one to ask them to. Will we get paid,
will we make more fans, that's just usual shit that I have to worry about
because it's a part of what I do. I don't need any outside seekable
answer to keep me going, I'm already there. It's my job to be there. My
job, unlike theirs, isn't to reach the goal, my job is the goal.
SLJ: What, you don't want to learn anything? You don't want to know the
meaning of what you're doing?
Carlo: Well, yeah, but I learn a bit of it every day and to be honest I
don't even have to ask questions to get my answers. The purpose for
them is to just find their purpose, and that's it! I can't do that! I
don't need some silly quest to keep me going. What if they reach it?
And what if it means nothing? There is no truth being revealed here,
just more questions that will never be answered and by the time they are
finally answered they'll be so angry because they'll have reached a point
where they can't do anything to change it. And I don't think I need some
light shed upon me to see that.
Matt: T...then I...then N...and the last one is E. What do you have, Ron?
Ron: it spells out.... (looks at paper real confused)
Ron: "Don't Forget to Drink Your Ovaltine?" (Matt & Ron both look
confused; this is obviously irrelavant to everything that's been going on
since, say, the beginning of time, but before Matt can say "what the
FUCK?!?!" Ron's eyes open wide and his face brightens up) WHY, THIS MAKES
PERFECT SENSE! MATT! WE MUST HOP ON THE NEXT BUS AND HEAD TO CHICAGO TO
BEGIN THE REVOLUTION!
Matt: But we drove!
Ron: Doesn't matter! Our journey begins!
Matt: Viva La Revolution!
(the rest of the cast watches as Matt drops the gun and the two run off
and a bus pulls up; the two get on and the camera follows the bus for a
while until...the bus blows up, like all the other busses in this movie)
Griff: What the HELL was that all about anyways?
Uncle Gus: Who cares.
Rose: Why didn't I see this coming a mile away?
Carlo: At least I get to keep this nifty ring.
SLJ: Now, for the rest of you Walkettes...Bill, Mike (both look at the
great actor), I know you guys no longer want to persue careers in the
metal world, but come on! Disco? Classic rock? Get lives.
Bill: I'm sorry.
Mike: I'm sorry too. (both turn to the others and apologize)
SLJ: Now go, and do something USEFUL with your talents, like cleaning
toilets or something like that.
Mike: (as he and Bill are walking away) That's a cool idea! We could
form a janitorin' rock bands! Just think! We could perform in office
complexes & cubicles around the world!
Bill: Shut up, okay?(both exit)
SLJ: (turns to the rest of the cast) The truth has been revealed, but
Carlo, I think you knew everything was a lie anyway, right?
Ken: Wait, what's going on now?
Carlo: Don't worry about it, I was just stepping out of character for a
Jeff: Can I step out of character too? (looks at Rose) I wanna be the
Rose: Look, I'm carrying mace.
SLJ: Go forth and spread my word across the land. Repeat it several
times when you can. This silliness has ended, the truths revealed in
so many ways, may we all kill in peace.(exits, audience is crying)
Ken: Well, everything is resolved, I guess we should all get on with our
normal lives. Come on guys (Starts to leave but...)
Dr.F: (blocks Ken, is now holding gun that Matt dropped) HOLD IT.
Waitress: Yeah, it looks like WE'RE in charge now.
Dr.F: Carlo, I don't care what you choose to believe, and believe it or
not you do indeed know more but it's more than you should, and I have to
Dr.F: Eliminate you and your bandmates and your Uncle and this woman here
because of what you know.
Jeff: Wait, this isn't fair. You can't kill us!
Griff: Well, he does have the gun, so I think he can.
Ken: Griff, you're not helping. Dr. Frankenfurter, you don't need to do
Dr.F: Yes I do! You all are aware about me killing customers and using
them as food, right? (everybody nods) Then I have to kill you or you'll
call me to the authorities or something like that!
Waitress: See, we have to remove you all to protect our...interests.
Another Voice Off Stage: Choosing your words carefully, as usual, huh?
(everyone turns around, and the camera zooms back to...the Dark Figure
from Scene 9, there is a squirrel on his shoulder and he is pointing a
gun at the ex-presidents).
Waitress: Gasp! Neil!
Neil: Drop the gun Dr. Frankenfurter. This squirrel has notified me with
a message from the Walkettes that you're cutting up people for meat.
Thankfully this squirrel knew the number for 911, otherwise I wouldn't
have been able to contact the police. They're on their way now.
Waitress: Wait! Son! You can't turn your father in! If you and I are
ever going to further our male bonding then you're going to have to put
down the gun and let me go.
Neil: i'm sorry dad but you won't be able to lie your way out of this
one. Years ago you told me Gobble had taken a "special trip" to
aid the contras, but I figured out after that special thanksgiving dinner
that you killed him and fed him to us. Your web of lies won't save you
now. You're going to jail. you too, Dr. Frankenfurter.
Dr.F: Oh yeah? (grabs Carlo and uses Carlo as a shield) You won't take me
Carlo: Um. excuse me? Dr. F? This is closer than I ever wanted to get
to my employers. Could you please release me from your choke-hold?
Jeff: Quickly, do we have any more wacky, stupid yet somehow clever
merchandice to use to help Carlo?
Ken: Other than this copy of STEVE ALLEN: MY LIFE AS A WALKETTE, no.
Griff: That definitely won't help us.
Jeff: I'll have to use my martial arts training! (makes a crappy
uncoordinated punch that anyone could avoid, including sloths, but it
seems to be effective as he manages to knock the gun from Dr. F. Pretty
soon, everybody is Kung-fu fighting, and they're all horrible. Fight
Scene choreographed by Dom Deluise. Jeff fighting Dr. F; Neil, with the
squirrel still on his shoulder, fightin the Waitress; and Ken, Griff, and
Carlo play fighting each other for no reason at all, until Dr. F picks up
both guns, I guess Neil dropped his too, and points it at the Walkettes)
Dr.F: OKAY! NO MORE! (police show up) If I'm going down I'm taking you all
Director: Cut, Cut. (camera is somewhat out of focus now, we can see
the full set including stage lights and caterers and crew running
back and forth, and extras in police costumes backing off) Richard, listen,
we're having a re-write. We need a different cliche.
Dr.F: What's wrong with that one?
Director: Nothing baby, nothing, it's just been used too often in crappy
films like this one. How about you say, "I don't expect you to talk, I
expect you to die?" Yeah, we have enough lawyers to get us out of that
one. No, wait, how about, "Prepare to meet your maker," or, well,
something not as desperate as the line you just used.
Dr.F: Well, I'm about to be caught anyways, I think I'm in a lose-lose
situation; that line fits in well enough. We've already wasted enough
of this budget on the damn exploding buses, I barely have enough time to
shoot down all the Walkettes before the cops gun me down, I might as
well say it.
Director: (to producer) what do you think?
Producer: If there's any problems we can overdub it later at the sound
stage when we go into post-production.
Dirctor: Fine, Rick, just say the line and start shootin'. Everyone,
QUIET, and...ACTION. (camera returns to normal focus and the picture
looks cleaned up again)
Dr.F: (turns around to face Walkettes, as he does you can see Neil and a
police officer carting the Waitress away) If I'm going down I'm...HEY!
(has turned around to...nobody) They escaped!
(meanwhile, the Walkettes are running, mighty fast thanks to the sped up
film and silly music, and it looks like we're about to enter another WACKY
CHASE SCENE except the silly music stops suddenly and the film returns to
normal speed as they're all blocked by...Dr. Frankenfurter)
Dr.F: Oh no, we won't have this anymore. No more wacky chase scenes,
quirky quips, slapstick fight scenes, none of this. It's just me, you,
and a gun which I will use to kill you.
Carlo: Don't forget your line.
Dr.F: Carlo, I'm killing you first. (the walkettes look at Carlo,
gasping in fear) And that's the truth. You'll soon see the light...
Carlo: (Still calm) Do you believe in spontaneous combustion?
Dr.F: What? (before he can do anything else, he explodes)
Carlo: I don't either.
Jeff: I don't think I want to know.
Rose: That's the spirit.
(scene cuts to the Meatery Eatery, cops are walking around collecting
evidence, Uncle Gus is sitting at a booth talking to a few police
officers and the Walkettes & Rose are all sitting around at another booth
waiting to go home after the police can figure out exactly what the hell
happened here (If you don't know, I think you better re-read the whole
damn movie) We zoom in on the table as they're all talking...)
Jeff: Well, I think from now on we better just work at a salad bar or
something like that.
Griff: Yeah, it twas a bit uncomfortable working at a place that was
completely against your eating lifestyle, you know? I feel like such a
hypocrite. Why'd we take this job in the first place?
Ken: I think it was just to place everybody in an awkward situation, you
know? This way whatever would seem weird and psychotic wouldn't seem so
odd to us.
Carlo: Whaddya mean?
Ken: you know, it just got weirder and weirder, you know? I mean come on
Carlo, a CHICKEN turned into Samuel L. Jackson right before our eyes.
And it seemed somewhat normal.
Jeff: Desensitized to the abnormal, the preposterous now informal...
Griff: Shut up Jeff.
Ken: But we didn't ever stop and do anything about it. We just accepted it.
Carlo: We still don't have to.
Carlo: well you don't expect any of us to just go on like this never
Ken: No, I just wanna know why we never even stopped and questioned it.
Jeff: I was just waiting for it all to end.
Carlo: well it won't end! i had to step out of character to see that.
Griff: What? When Samuel L. Jackson was shining his light upon us?
Carlo: Yeah, I had to step out of the light for just a minute because
there was nothing else under it.
Ken: Now I'm really confused.
Carlo: Look, it's a lot of fun to be the stupid one, or the wacky one, or
the shy quiet one, or the ladies' man...
Griff: Amen to that.
Carlo: but if we all keep playing these roles then the situation is going
never going to change: we're not going to be in roles anymore, we're
going to be part of the situation itself. The only way you can see it
this way is if you step out of character.
Jeff: Then what? You're still in that endless situation.
Carlo: Then you're no longer part of it, you're no longer letting the
situation getting the best of you.
Ken: I think I'm still confused.
Jeff: I thought you were the smart one.
Ken: We don't HAVE a smart one, remember? I think that's the problem.
Rose: carlo, are you out of character now?
Carlo: I dunno. I don't think my intellegence has doubled or anything
recently but after stepping out of the light I think I'm a better man for
it. Like I'm not limited to be just the dumb silly one.
Rose: What about the ladies' man?
Carlo: That depends. What are you doing tonight? (Rose smiles)
Griff: (after a few seconds) HEY!
(camera fades out, and we can still hear)
Carlo: I did realize something though. We don't have to go to work tomorrow!
Ken: Carlo, we go over this EVERY DAMN DAY. We have to be at work...hey,
you're right! We don't have to go to work anymore!
Carlo: Step into the light, my son.
Jeff: What the HELL was that chicken thing about?
(credits roll, in the background is the video: INCARNATE SOLVENT ABUSE,
with the same intro but it changes with new music:
It's a reaaaal sharp knife,
and it'll cut you, to the bone!
It's a reaaaal sharp knife,
call the medics, on the phone
I don't know what to replace
but maybe just in case
you better pack that in some ice...
i don't know if you will last
you're losing blood fast
you better pack that in some ice...
It's a reaaal sharp knife
cuts are so neat and clean
It's a reaaaal sharp knife
You're flowing like a stream
(song cuts to a new Walkettes song)
Over the hills and through the woods to grandma's house you go
followed by wolves and tracked by bears is what you didn't know
waiting all night on the porch by the light waiting for you to show
until we heard the joyous howls and we knew it had been so
Friendly mammals, don't hurt me
Too much cholesteral, I'm not to lean
I'm really friendly, and I don't hunt
Don't waste your time, on this little runt
The hunters knew where to find the happy feeding frenzy
what a feast you must have been for them it was just plenty
if you didn't gain that weight from last thanksgiving dinner
you may have been too thin for any and walked away a winner
predators, please be nice
I'm truly harmless, I'm nice to mice!
I brought a steak, it looks so good!
it's your's for dinner, not me for food
(guitar solo, we break into Lavaging Expectorat Of Lysergide Composition,
and the credits end, & we fade into a white background, where we can see
a chicken underneath a spotlight, or a penguin wearing a rubber glove over
its head, walking away from us, and it fades out, but not until we can
see it explode as it leaves the spotlight).
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK, SAME BAT TIME, SAME BAT CHANNEL...for KELP! The 2nd
Jeff Walker & The Walkettes movie...
A Hard Day's Dismemberment written by Paul Czarnowski, special thanks to
Matt Holliman. Many apologies to everybody who's name appeared in this
film, to Carcass, to Black Star, and to everyone offended by the spelling
errors. This will be revised some day...
Ronald R. Rodent
Anyway, the missles are on their way. It's too late to stop them, we're
not gonna win, somebody must be allowed to survive. Remove the warheads,
replace with cheese. Press the button, go ballistic. The other side may
survive, but just think of the MESS!!!!
the InterContinental Ballistic Cheese.