A Hard Day's Dismemberment
Scene 2: an apartment room with four beds, it's morning, almost
afternoon. In each bed is a British musician; Ken, the shy quiet one;
Jeff, the loud one and the leader of this fab four; Griff, the
stud; and Carlo, the silly dumb one.
They are all part of a hip music group, Jeff Walker and The Walkettes.
Well, they have their fans and the girls go wild and they have worldwide
fame, but apparently it doesn't pay well judging that they all still live
(an alarm clock goes off, and the young Jeff stirs in his bed)
Jeff: wha? I inquire about this alarm's vibrations: it is past dawn
already? Do I have to stop my slumber? Wait, isn't this that new alarm
that Carlo bought at that...
(Jeff is cut off by a giant cartoonish sledghammer popping out of the
alarm bought at a novelty shop which begins bashing him repeatedly in the
head) Jeff: uuuuhghagin
Griff: would you keep it quiet, I'm trying to finish my beauty sleep.
Ken: it's time to wake up Griff, it's morning already, we have to be at
work very soon.
Carlo: But we were at work yesterday! And the day before that!
Ken: The idea would be to go to work everyday, it's part of the job.
Griff: Aye, it gives me a chance to hit on my coworkers.
Jeff: (removing sledgehammer and shaking head; apparently this is
something he's used to) You numbskull, we are your coworkers, there's
nobody else who works at Dr. Frankenfurter's Meatery.
Carlo: Dr. Frankenfurter works there, doesn't he?
Ken: Yes he does, and we better not be late for work-(cut off by a
Carlo: (answering phone) Greetings?
Griff: You have to pick it up first.
Carlo: Oh, that's right (picks up phone) Hello?
Griff: Now talk into it.
Carlo: Oh, okay! (talks into phone) Hello?
Voice On Other End: (sounds like Dennis Hopper) Quiz hotshot! There's a
bomb on a bus. If the bus goes above 50 miles per hour, the bomb will be
armed. If the bus goes below 50 miles per hour, the bomb will explode.
What do you do?
Carlo: Who the hell is this?
Voice: Um, isn't this 555-2845?
Voice: Isn't Jack there?
Carlo: No man, there's no Jack here...
Voice: (long pause) Oh shit...(hangs up)
Jeff: Who was that?
Carlo: A wrong number, I think (hangs up phone).
Ken: Come on now, let's go to work.
(the music starts up, it's an old Beatles song, the happy kind, or at
least the kind of song you hear during the chase scenes in Scooby Doo.
The boys slide down the stairs' handrail together and they fly out the
door which Carlo's goofy Uncle Gus had opened. They fly right into the
street, where there are four bicycles waiting for them. the camera shows
first Jeff landing on his bicycle, then shifts over to Ken, then to
Griff, and then to Carlo, who misses his bicycle by a few feet and lands
in the garbage can. The cute music stops and is replaced by Vomited Anal
Tract, just not as loud so we can hear the conversation)
Ken: Are you okay?
Carlo: (getting out of can and having a lot of trouble doing so) You
know, we should really stop leaving the house like that. remember when
Griff missed his bicycle and landed in Uncle Gus' cactus patch?
Griff: Or the time Ken developed that rash?
Ken: Let's not talk about this anymore. We have to go to work now.
Jeff: and be careful with the trash, I may want to use the garbage bag as
a prop in the next video...
(the boys ride their bicycles down a few streets, making the proper hand
signals to indicate turns and hand gestures to indicate inconsiderate
driving, especially towards one young man driving a stationwagon, who was
too busy trying to run over an imported vehicle to notice the cyclists.
They make their way down several streets and finally reach their
destination, the Meatery Eatery.
The Meatery Eatery is a special place where people bring their
own food in and the people at the Eatery chop it up for you and cook it.
All the cooking is done by the great chef, Dr. Frankenfurter, who has
hired the young vegatarians to chop up the meat for him. The process
takes a long time; however, Frankenfurter's cuisine is famous and as a
a result a lot of people eat at the Eatery. The slow process, however,
is not enough to feed all the hungry people, so Frankenfurter has found a
way to keep constantly serving the people...)
Jeff: the smell in here is repugnant! But it beats the smell of cooked
humans who would soon become glue.
Ken: Excuse me?
Jeff: Ooh, I'm sorry.
Griff: Well, come on, let's get to work, I don't want to stay here late
stinkin' of meat, I got a date tonight.
Jeff: (putting smock on and rubber gloves, too) A date? With who?
Griff: Aye, she's quite the pretty one. Her name is Rose, she is as
sweet as, um, dammit, it's a flower...
Carlo: A dandelion?
Griff: Yeah, that's it. Aye, the lass is a good one.
Ken: (sorting chicken wings from cow stomachs) well, you're not bringing
her home, that's for sure. We only have one room you know.
Jeff: Hey, did anybody take notice of this new contraption (pointing to
large machine, it looks like a giant pencil sharpener with a very large
hole at the top)?
(Dr. Frankenfurter enters)
Dr.: Good morning my good Americans, how are we today?
Jeff: Actually Mr. President, er, Dr. Frankenfurter, we're British.
Remember, we had this conversation yesterday?
Dr.: I'm glad you're all fine.
Jeff: No, really, Great Britain is a completely different country from
America. It's not even on the same Continent. As a matter of fact, we
used to own your Yankee asses...
Ken: Sir, what is this new machine?
Dr.: Ah, yes, I completely forgot about this. Take a look boys, it's a
new way to speed up the service here.
Griff: We're not going to be fired are we?
Dr.: No, no, no! Unemployment is a bad thing. You boys will
just be operating it. See, what it is (he points at it, at each feature
as he describes it) is a new meat grinder! You just throw the meat at
the top and it comes out the bottom, and you use this lever if you want
it boneless or not, or if it should resemble a hamburger or a chicken
wing meat-sorta thing. (as he describes this, a door at the top of the
hole of the machine opens and something falls into the hole, and the
machine makes its bullshit noises etc. and Frankenfurter describes the
process the meat goes through; while he does this, Carlo begins to get dizzy
from the smell and turns around to face the conveyer belt at the bottom
of the machine, where the meat is dispensed. Carlo notices, however,
that instead of a chicken wing or hamburger meat, out comes a human hand
wearing a ring of some sort followed by a human foot...) and over here is
where the meat becomes...
Carlo: Um, sir...
Dr.: Not right now, so anyways, it's completely processed like real meat!
Ken: So the people just bring in their cow or chicken and throw it into
the pit and kerblammo, they have hamburger meat we prepare?
Dr.: Nope, not anymore! Who here has a an entire cow on hand just for
one hamburger! Business is bad because we're assuming that our customers
are dumber than Carlo here, isn't that right Carlo?
Carlo: well, sir, actually...
Jeff: I guess that makes sense.
(Frankenfurter leaves for the coutertop upstairs in the restaurant, the
boys work in the basement where the smell isn't that great. Carlo is
quiet as the rest of the boys work the machine and impersonate Richard
A PLOT! What's going to happen next? I don't have a clue, I'll figure
it out later. I hope you people have kept scene 1 for the cast list, I
will be making jokes at their expense if the cast member is not playing
themself. Once again, sorry about all the grammatical and spelling
errors. Tune in next week, same bat time, same bat channel...
Anyway, the missles are on their way. It's too late to stop them, we're
not gonna win, somebody must be allowed to survive. Remove the warheads,
replace with cheese. Press the button, go ballistic. The other side may
survive, but just think of the MESS!!!!
the InterContinental Ballistic Cheese.