A Hard Day's Dismemberment
(sorry this is such a long one, I hope it's a quick read...)
Scene 3: we zoom around the tables of a small restaurant, sorta panning
around, looking at all the customers, until we land at a table where 3
men are seated; as we close in one man, looking a little scared, leaves
for the bathroom, and the other two (one with somewhat long hair and
wearing a Cubs jacket and the other with shorter hair, glasses, and
wearing a carcass shirt) watch the man closely; it is obvious that
something is going on with these three that is causing a lot of trouble
with the third man. As the man, Ray, enters the bathroom, we zoom back to the
other two, Matt and Ron, who watch him enter and then turn their heads back
for more conversation.
Matt: (british accent) So do you think he'll do it?
Ron: (Chicagoan accent) Of course he will, we have the motherfucker by
the balls (pulls out cigarette from pocket). He's gonna have to do it,
it's ours now and there's nothing he can do about it (lights cigarette
and takes first puff).
Matt: Um, Ron, you don't smoke...
Ron: (begins coughing and hacking and puts cigarette out immediately) oh
(cough) yeah, (cough) thanks man, I fergot (cough) about that.
Matt: I can't believe we had to come all the way for San Francisco for
Ron: Yeah, well, he had it, we need it, and it's ours now...
Matt: Did you know the Walkettes are here?
Ron: Bullshit! That's cool! We gotta find them while we're in town.
Matt: How long do you think we're going to be here anyways?
Ron: I dunno, this is a cool town, but we have to get the shit and leave
Matt: We ought to stick around and track The Walkettes down. I want to
force them to record an album just for me.
Ron: You know, you'd make the weirdest groupie. I mean, come on, it's
just a band...
Matt: JUST A BAND?!?! And I suppose the Simpsons are just a lame excuse
for Fox to make us watch their damn network?1?!?
Ron: Okay, I'm sorry, but come on, these people have lives too, I'm sure,
and I don't wanna waste mine studying theirs. At least not most of it.
Matt: We're in San Fansisco, one of the few places you like, and you
don't wanna stick around...
Ron: Hey, this is a great place and I would love to stick around, but we
need to get back to the Windy City so that we can get ready for- (looks
around and lowers his voice)- The Revolution. Once we get it all from
this guy, we'll be on our way. I'd love to stick around, I really
Matt: It's a clean town.
Ron: Yeah, I definitely like this place. When- (looks around again and
lowers voice)- The Revolution - occurs we'll make sure to spare this city
and its inhabitants.
Ron: However, we will have to do something about these damn hills.
Matt: Oh god not again.
Ron: Who the fuck would build an entire city on a bunch of fuckin' hills?!?
Matt: Wasn't Rome...
Ron: Jesus Fuckin' Christ I Have Pictures, can you imagine riding a bike
around here? It must be hell!
Matt: It's just geography you know...
Ron: Oh sure, I'm sure they keep the people from Oakland out of the city,
but you could just get on a BART train and ride right into the city.
Matt: They're just hills...
Ron: Yes, but look at our city. It is a well known fact that Chicago is
the greatest city of the world, and you know where it's at?
Matt: Um, (pause) Illinois, if I remember correctly.
Ron: Right. And what the hell's in Illinois?
Matt: (long pause) Holy shit, there's nothing there, is there?
Ron: Except Chicago. Otherwise, it's this large flat plain surrounded by
other flat plains that pass for states, like Indiana and (Ron shudders)
Wisconsin, the land of our enemies.
Ron: Now, if Chicago were surrounded by large hills, would (looks around
again, lowers voice...)-The Revolution- ever be able to take place.
Matt: I dunno.
Ron: No, it wouldn't, because we'd all get too damn tired from running up
the hill just to fall down. And what if the Enemy is physically fit?
Matt: Not possible, they're Cheeseheads.
Ron: I dunno man, with all the fuckin' milk they drink they could be
leading healthier lives than us. I've journied into the depths of
Wisconsin, they don't have grease-pans like we do back home.
Matt: You're kidding, how do they survive?
Ron: I dunno, but what if they decide to attack first and take away all
our grease-pan restaurants?
Matt: It would be hell.
Ron: Bingo! We're lucky to have found one of those here! That's why I
told this guy to meet us here, so that we could eat something normal
instead of this shitty loser health food. What this city ought to do is
remove the evil influence of Oakland-
Matt: What makes them evil?
Ron: The A's, stupid. If we removed this evil influence, San Fransisco
could grow larger and thus...
Matt: ...A safer haven for Chicagoans after The Revolution (covers mouth,
Ron gives him a stern look and then looks around to see if any of the
other patrons heard Matt) I mean -(lowers voice)-The Revolution.
Ron: Exactly. I think what we should do when- The Revolution -reaches
this city is bulldoze all the hills, throw the dirt into the bay so that
you have one big land, and conquer Oakland.
Matt: Sounds like a plan.
Ron: Yeah, well, we have to wait until Ray gives us...Hey, what the
hell's with Ray? How long does he need to take a piss?
Matt: You don't think-
Ron: Nah, he couldn't have ditched us, we'd see him leave, and I know he
wouldn't do that, he's in this as much as we are...
Matt: Let's check it out, maybe there's a window in the back he ran out of.
Ron: Matt, he wouldn't do that, but...oh fuck, what else could he have
(both get up and head for the bathroom: Dr. Frankenfurter stops them
before they reach the door)
Ron: Excuse me motherfucker, I gotta take a piss...
Dr.: Oh no, you can't go in there, sorry, there's quite a mess in there
right now, it's off limits...
Matt: Hey, a friend of ours went in there about five minutes ago, we
haven't seen him come out yet...
Dr.: Um, he left, sorry, nobody was in there when I was trying to clean
up the mess...
Ron: Well do you mind if we check?
Dr.: Yes I do, you'll have to leave the restaurant, sorry. Garcon!
Waitress: What the hell do you want from me? And stop calling me Garcon.
Dr.: Could you escort these fine Americans out the door please?
Matt: Look, our friend was in there and we didn't see him leave.
Something's up here.
Dr.: Well, maybe he was travelling at the speed of light when he left and
you just didn't see him
Ron: Excuse me?!?
Dr.: Hey it happens, just because you don't believe it doesn't mean it
doesn't happen. (yells to a patron reading paper) Hey Spiro! Do you
believe in Spontaneous Combustion?
Patron: (puts down paper and laughs a little when replying) Uh, no, I
don't (bursts into flames and is gone).
Dr.: See? Now leave, please...
Ron: Fine, but something fishy's going on...
Matt: We'll be back. Just you wait and see.
Matt: wait, that's wasn't a very good exiting line, can I try that again?
(Ron & Matt exit the restraunt, the camera follows them until they pass
two guys sitting at a table and then the camera fixes on them for a moment)
Bill: Garcon! Coffee!
(meanwhile, down below, the boys are at work, and more happy music plays,
kinda like the theme to Laverne & Shirley, only longer, and the boys just
kinda goof around...
Ken begins juggling some of the leftover meat, perhaps cow stomachs
Griff is making sculptures out of the meat
Carlo is looking at the hand that came out of the machine, and removes
the odd ring
Jeff is using a cow intestine as a jump rope
Ken pretends to have a heart attack of some sort, clutches his chest so
that a cow heart flies out of his shirt and begins laughing
Carlo is examining the human leg...
Griff if making a puppet show with the dead chickens
Jeff pretends he's in Rocky and starts punching the hanging meat slabs
Ken is playing horseshoes...with the grade D horsemeat they had leftover
Carlo is absolutely entranced by Griff's puppet show
Jeff is now dancing with the meat slabs.
A whistle goes off, signaling that their shift is over and it's
time to clean up the horrendous mess the boys have created playing with
the food...The William Tell Overture is played and the action is speeded
up as the boys hastily clean up, producing a visual effect seen many a
time in The Munsters, another quality show. The action stops, the place
More later, I wanna eat and I have 2 papers I should be working on...
Anyway, the missles are on their way. It's too late to stop them, we're
not gonna win, somebody must be allowed to survive. Remove the warheads,
replace with cheese. Press the button, go ballistic. The other side may
survive, but just think of the MESS!!!!
the InterContinental Ballistic Cheese.