A Hard Day's Dismemberment
Scene 7: interior of the Meatery Eatery; there is a long line of
customers now that people don't have to bring their own animals in to be
slaughtered. The service is much quicker, there seems to be an
inexaustible supply of food and the customers all seem to be happy with
their meals, even if everything- hamburgers, steaks and salads-all taste
like chicken. The waitress (played by former CIA-chief George Bush) has
been working over time and been rakin' in the tips as a result; Dr.
Frankenfurter has been spending as much time at the cash register as he
does cooking the meat. Business is good. Oddly enough, you'd think that
a restaurant like this would have regulars, but anybody who goes into the
bathroom doesn't walk out for some reason...(hmmm)
The Waitress walks on over to Dr. Frankenfurter, who is enjoying the
slowest moment the restaurant has had the whole day.
Waitress: Check it out, we're raking in money hand over foot. It the old
west it'd be hand over hoof you know...
Dr. F: Yes, I know. This new meat grinder is the greatest thing that
could have happened to our nation.
Waitress: Say, boss, you don't suppose people are going to get
Dr. F: What do you mean?
Waitress: Now, see, let's say someone, let's say his name is Gobble,
decides to go down to a place like this, not this place exactly, but a
place like this, and he enjoys his food and decides to lose a few pounds
in the john...you following me here?
Dr. F: I'm following you...
Waitress: And let's say Gobble has a few close friends. And one of these
friends, let's say his name is Neil, notices that Gobble is gone. He
gets a little panicky and nervous because something may have happened to
his bestest buddy in the whole wide world. (Dr. F. looks around...) And
he decides to go find out where, just WHERE his friend had gone, and goes
to that place, the place that is like this...
Dr. F: But is not this place...
Waitress: right, and finds out just exactly what happened to Gobble when
he went to the bathroom.
Dr. F: well, um, what do you suppose Neil would do in a situation like this?
Waitress: He'd call the authorities, and the people who run the Meatery
Dr. F: Place like this but not this place...
Waitress: right, they'd get in some serious trouble.
Dr. F: Um, what do you recommend that the owners of such a place do?
Waitress: Well, I wouldn't know anything about those sorta places, you know?
Dr. F: uh-huh.
Waitress: But if I WERE to know, I'd tell them to deny everything.
Dr. F: Deny everything?
Waitress: right. Look, why don't we talk about this later (points to the
front door window, where two people are about to walk in), we've got
customers and hopefully some more meat. (walks to the sink to get some
water for the patrons, who walk in the door)
(They open the double doors with some force, it's...Ron & Matt, both
very angry. The camera shows Ron & Matt walking very quickly
towards...Dr. Frankenfurter, who starts drying a glass, even though it
was still being used by a woman sitting at the front counter)
Ron: LISTEN BUDDY, (camera once again follows Ron, Matt in tow, charging
towards Dr. Frankenfurter) I WANNA KNOW ONE THING AND ONE THING ONLY!!!!
Dr. F: (against the wall) um, what's that...
Ron: (pauses for a few seconds) I COMPLETELY FORGOT. COME ON MATT, LET'S
GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE (turns around and walks as fast as he did when
he entered, Matt is still standing there, now just as confused as both
Ron & Dr. Frankenfurter).
Matt: Um, uh, YEAH! THERE'S MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM! (both exit).
Dr. F: (sorta speechless, waitress walks up to him) Didn't we kick them
out of here yesterday?
Waitress: Yeah, I think they were friends of that guy we used for your
new hamburger recipe.
Dr. F: Huh. Imagine that. I thought we had them convinced that he ran
out of here at the speed of light.
Waitress: I wouldn't know anything about it.
Dr. F: Huh?
Waitress: Just practicing for later. I wonder how they found out about it.
Dr. F: Hmmm, the only way they could have found out is if they went into
the basement and discovered it for themselves. But there's no way for
them to have gotten down there unless of course...oh no! The Walkettes!
George! Watch the front!
(Dr. Frankenfurter walks down the stairs to the grinder, where the boys
are blissfully playing with the meat that comes out of the grinder.
Carlo is having a serious conversation with a slab of meat, & Ken, who is
now a little suspicious of the meat itself, it examining any slice of
beef that is attached to any clothing. Jeff is still unaware of any of
this and continues to do his Rocky impersonation with a slab hanging in
the freezer. Griff is just pulling levers at random, just so he can hear
the machine make funny gastric noises).
Dr. F: Um, Ken, can I talk to you?
Ken: (drops a shoe he was holding) um, sure. (walks on over to Dr. F)
Dr. F: Listen, Ken, did you tell anybody about our new machine?
Ken: Uh, no sir, I didn't think there was anything special about it to..
Dr. F: What do you know about how this machine works anyway?
Ken: Well, this is only a wild guess, but I think the meat is thrown from
the door and the machine cuts it up, removes the bone from meat,
sterilized the meat from itty bitty microbes over in that glass part,
and, um, grinds it up some more so you can prepare it.
Dr. F: that's it?
Dr. F: whew. And you didn't tell anybody about it, right?
Ken: Um, no sir, you know, I never thought of it as something that would
really interest my friends. Well, I told Carlo's uncle that we got a new
machine at work but that's about it. (Carlo walks up)
Carlo: Man, you would think dad would be more talkative to his own kids.
Dr. F: excuse me?
Ken: Nothing sir, really, Carlo here is just convinced that one of
chickens we prepared yesterday was his father.
Dr. F: (just looks at Carlo, confused)
Carlo: Really sir, it was. It told me in a dream.
Dr. F: (just shakes his head and turns his attention to Ken) Why would he
Ken: Oh, well, see, sir, it's like this: he found a ring on one of the
Dr. F: WHAT?
Carlo: Yeah, see? (shows ring to Dr. Frankenfurter) It's a little odd
for a chicken to be wearing it, but I think it was my dad's wedding ring,
though I think he has more taste than that.
Dr. F: (mouth is wide open, can't say a word)
Carlo: Of course, he's also poultry now, so I don't think he really cares
about fashion now...
Dr. F: (still speechless, turns back to Ken)
Ken: It's true sir, well, everything except for his dad being a chicken.
Carlo: Hey! He told me in his dream!
Ken: He just found it on one of your processed slabs and kept it because
we wouldn't want a customer to bite into a chicken leg or something and
crack his tooth on a ring, right Carlo?
Carlo: and mum would get mad if I lost dad's ring like that. heck, I
think she's gonna be mad when she finds out that I grinded him up.
Ken: Anyway, maybe it was from one of those chickens you'd get from that
weird distributer, what's his name? He was the guy who always dressed up
his sheep & chickens in dresses and women's underwear. We stopped
ordering from him a year ago I thought because the FDA & several animal
rights groups asked him to stop doing that...
Dr. F: oh, oh, uh, yeah, I forgot about that. Heck I got some good deals
for that, he even threw in some sheep for my own use. Well, um, yeah,
maybe that's where I got it from. (Ken just looks at him funny...) Uh,
well, keep up the good work, I have to go cook some more. (walks back
upstairs, waitress is still waiting for him).
Waitress: how's it go?
Dr. F: I...I think they're on to us.
Dr. F: Apparently the grinder doesn't separate some of the clothing from
the meat. Carlo found a ring on what he says was a chicken.
Waitress: really? when?
Dr. F: Yesterday, when that...guy those two kids were with went into the
Waitress: I wouldn't know anything about it.
Dr. F: What am I going to do? they're all on to me! I've got to get rid
of them somehow.
Waitress: well, you know, I wouldn't know anything about removing
witnesses or undesireables or people who could blow your secret
operations, but I think hiring an assassin would be the best way to get
rid of them.
Dr. F: Really?
Waitress: What, you think I know about this sorta thing? I just know
that that's what some people do when they have these problems.
Dr. F: Well, uh, where do they find such people to get rid of others like
Waitress: I wouldn't know. Check the rolodex under A for "assassins,"
there should be a number for Pierre, but...I wouldn't know anything about
that sorta thing...
Dr. F: (pulls out rolodex) lessee, plumbers, gun runners, here we are!
Waitress: well, what do you know! how did that get in there?
Dr. F: (dials phone, holding a notecard from the rolodex. the phone
rings and the screen splits into two; one half is Dr. Frankenfurter and
the other is black until the phone picks up, it's Pierre, the French
assassin, played by former Cy Young winner & current Cubs broadcaster
Pierre: un hello?
Dr. F: Hello, Pierre? It's Dr. Frankenfurter.
Pierre: (throwing darts at picture of Harry Carey) How did you get dees
Dr. F: Nevermind about that. I need you to get rid of a few people for me...
(fades out, end of scene...)
Yeah. Lots of dialog in this action packed sequence. Well, That's all
the time I have for today, Cartoon Planet is on now. Once again, sorry
for all the spelling errors. Corrections, suggestions, etc...send em to
email@example.com Oh, this WILL be revised before it is added to Matt
Holliman's Carcass is God page, so if it doesn't seem to flow right now
don't worry, I'll make it better later...
Anyway, the missles are on their way. It's too late to stop them, we're
not gonna win, somebody must be allowed to survive. Remove the warheads,
replace with cheese. Press the button, go ballistic. The other side may
survive, but just think of the MESS!!!!
the InterContinental Ballistic Cheese.